Random.....very!!!!

Completely and utterly alone... Lost all interest in thus-far interesting things and people...Lost the need to be around people..yearning for some change that would spice up life...even, yearning for a new beginning...turbulent emotions and sometimes the other extreme- no emotions at all..All at a time when a new chapter of professional engineering career is just about to unravel itself....

No feeling of love..an utter disbelief in everything held true to heart thus far...such negative thoughts that never sprang from the heart,mind and soul thus far even in the wildest of imaginations..and almost like a shadow creeping up a wall unnoticed, an all-too-sudden quest for knowledge of "self"...

I don't know if anybody experiences these feelings all at once but I sometimes wonder what would lead to these strange set of emotion and thoughts....The cause is just unknown..Is this some chemical imbalance or all these feelings slowly finding a vent from the hitherto unknown side of my self...I was always told the highest knowledge of all is the knowledge of self..That at some deep level we really don't know why we do what we do..As I write this piece that concept just sweeps me...humbles me that most of us are "outside in"- we try to find us, in things we do..There exists I think, is another way..knowing what we do by knowing us ..like trying to ask oneself as to why one helps another..loves another....I have been in love...but I have never tried to know me first and then love somebody because I know that person is exactly the kind I love..instead it was the feeling of love that led me to know my self...

I also ask why is that wrong..well the only reason that is wrong could be when that love is found to be fake,selfish and all things that love is not supposed to be...when love becomes untrue..It would logically lead to the conclusion that your knowledge of self based on an untrue love is untrue as well..The "outside in " basically is very vulnerable...

Again, just before I sat down to write this...I have a feeling that most of us..particularly the extroverts are "outside in"....goes someway to explain why the most talented artists and even most geniuses are shy, introverted and mostly with an "inside out " approach to life and hence create surreal and the most original masterpieces...They just happen to be at some level oblivious to the world..they create a new world in their own dreams and yet, are never part of one because being part of one takes away that bit of creative ability to envision one of their own...again in some weird way connected to the age old cliche..."Empty vessels...."